Resilience for Freedom

4^th January 2021. I landed back to India with my daughter. Mumbai International airport, 9:00 p.m. approximately.  We all know the dictionary meaning of freedom. But I felt the real essence of freedom that day. I had no idea where my life would take me from there. I didn’t know the future but that moment all I could smell was the fresh air. I was feeling as if I had got wings and I was flying, light, happy.

I had taken one of the biggest decisions of my life. I quit the USA and decided to come back to India for good. Not that this was the first time I had taken any big step but this was one of the most significant and life changing decisions because now I was not the only person involved. This time I was taking life-time responsibility of a 7-year-old little girl. Yes, I am her mother, I gave birth to her. Had been raising her almost as a single mother already being in the marriage, but this time I knew I was all alone literally. I have no idea from where I got this courage.

Ever since I became a mother, I was wondering how I would manage everything alone. My job, being in a new country, managing an infant, my own health, weight issues, home, everything. No emotional support though I was technically married. We women are not born mothers, at least I had no motherly instinct ever. I was the younger one in the family. Never could feel family responsibilities, duties. Someone who never entered the kitchen before marriage. Suddenly how I was transformed to this “Mother” role so efficiently.

But now I understand God never leaves us alone. If you are going through some tough time then definitely, he has some plan for you. He is getting you ready for something big. Faith, I never felt how magical and powerful it is.

At this moment when I look back to the trail I crossed, all the hurdles I faced, I smile and offer my gratitude to the super power (some of you can call God, but I am not a religious person, I am spiritual). I just look at the vast sky and repeat in my mind, “I don’t know you; I don’t know your plan. Whoever you are I have faith in you. I know you are behind me always to hold me whenever I fall.” I don’t know if any form of God really exists, but I know some super power is always there with me, who opens up a door for me when everything seems devastating. He always shows me a beam of light from other side of the dark tunnel.

After 2 years of legal battle, I finally could get what I was fighting for. I was happy I didn’t bow down to something that I don’t deserve. I had just 2 basic demands from life; Love and Respect. Evidently both were missing. Ten years was way too long, enough to conclude that there’s no further hope. It’s foolish to water a dead plant.

I haven’t transformed into the person I am today overnight. It took me a decade to reach here. Lots of tears, disappointments, resentments helped me to reach here. Yes; you read it right. It literally helped me. Without those resentments and heart aches I never could have become this resilient version of myself. I hate to regret, I utterly hate negative self-talk, self-loathing, blaming. Because none of them will help you to reach your destination. By word “destination” I don’t mean any career destination or financial bank balance. Even if you are not clear about purpose of your life, regardless of any religion, caste we all want peace in life. A place where you can breathe without any fear. We all deserve love, respect, care. These might not be external.

I am talking about

“Self-Love”

“Self-Respect”

“Self-Care”.

Because we can’t demand any of those if we don’t give love, respect, care to ourselves. Our body is a magnetic object itself. You will receive what you are, not what you want. If we don’t take care of yourself, how can we expect this from an external source. If that makes me little bit selfish, honestly, I don’t mind.   

Talking about blaming, I never blamed anyone else for my broken marriage, nor I regret it. I learnt a couple of lessons. I believe everyone has a significant role in your life. No character is useless. Everyone contributed in this version of me. But no matter what, nothing made me bitter. I still believe in love; I still trust people. I won’t say I am out of fear completely, I am not. Somewhere deep down I still have fear but I am a resilient fighter.

FREEDOM, is my USP. Be it internally or externally. So far, I fought with external demons. Now it’s the time to fight with my internal demons, that make me anxious or fearful of getting hurt. Now I try to take care of my inner child who needs to be understood, who wants to be heard, who wants to be pampered. No external event should impact my state of being.

To conclude with, I would say we (me and my daughter) are very happy now. I really want to reach more people and say that one mistake will not decide your entire life. Your life is worth to be lived full, king size. Do whatever makes you happy. Grief, cry as much as you want but eventually when you are tired of crying, dust yourself off and stand up like a fighter. Be the queen of your own castle. Be the protagonist in your story. You and your purpose is the main novel, the rest are small and big chapters in your novel.