Water on Stone … Story 5
The Sun setting on the horizon left a trail of orange hue in the sky. The dusk, sprayed in pink, stood mutely before the day dissolved into the depths of the night. I stood by the window, a silent spectator witnessing the explosion of colours in the sky. It amazes me to realize how a space becomes apparently colourful, like a vicarious life. An unnamed, undefined commotion surges, leaving a dull pain in my gut. I am in a six-by-six dark square box scratching the wall with my nails to let the light in and breathe in and out desperately while gasping for air. A part of me is torn; its vestige is still etched somewhere in my memories. The gnawing realization of your absence, a blank space left by you as if an abyss will engulf my existence. I stitched up the scattered parts of me, leaving spaces for the missing parts. The fragments lost call to me like a wolf howling for its mate. I lost them in stolen moments of our togetherness. They are waiting for the last sip of coffee left in the cup you made for me last time. They are left in the ruffle of the bedsheet when we made love. They are soaked in the pillow on which I cried on the morning you left. They are scattered in the endless memories of you, which now prick my skin like polyester.
It is four months and two days since Rajiv left. It is impossible to measure time when the time has reversed. In my mind, I’m reliving the past, with every memory scrutinized, to find the answer for the present. A look in the eye or a wary smile, something that may hint at present without him. A flaw that I’ve missed, which will make his absence bearable. My feelings for him are an undeniable fact about me. In loving Rajiv, I’ve found myself as it happened after losing him; I lost a part of me. Is love the answer to all the pain?
The life I’ve known is lying like dust on the window sill. I scratch the wall of your silence with my broken nails to find a place to become myself again. This un-belonging leaves me incoherent in my existence. Is there a purpose to being alive? An animated life! I’m playing an old drum beat on repeat. It never stops; it never ends! Thoughts move fast in a shuffle, randomly appearing in a continuous loop. Longing seems like a slow buzzing of bees somewhere far; a long-forgotten story starts to weave itself in my mind. Is it hope or a call? Like the changing colours of the evening sky. The hope of a new day beckons me to rise. An old memory recollects: a rose drenched in dew and air mingled with its fragrance. A puff of an old memory nudged me to look behind, and the door was always there while I scratched the walls. The torn leaves have dried up while the new sprouts away. The longing has subsided as a new day starts.
A deep awareness of the present moment made me realize my existence apart from you. I exist! I can exist without you. It is believable to lose and find yourself again. The thought slowed; my breath relaxed. Living one moment at a time without escaping from the past is possible. It is possible to savour my life one bite at a time. To feel the air without being burdened with memories. To own my life and not as borrowed from you. To be relieved from the pain of being undone. To become whole in each breath. I live on! The struggle to remain extant in the abyss is relentless. Life, in all its truth, sustains withstanding the loss and efforts. It fights for its survival like a fish pulled out of water. It withers and strives to remain whole. This is the nature of life. The life existing in me shimmy to find its way back to its dwelling.
I introspect the futility of the time that passed. Doesn’t love a precious part of life? Then why do I feel it ruined all? Isn’t it an answer to all questions? Then why do I think I’m diverted from my purpose? I’m left empty without directions. Maybe it’s because I forgot to love myself. My love for Rajiv consumed me so much that I forgot about my dreams and aspirations. Maybe it was not love but a way to belong, not an outcast, ignored, almost forgotten. Indeed, love is engrossing. Desperate to belong, we hide and almost forget who we are. With the desire to prove our love, we ignore the call of our soul.
It is time to find myself again. To search for that part of myself that knows the truth in its raw form. That part of me that knows I’m enough and does not need to underline myself by someone else. I decided to release myself from the bondage of the approval of others. I clip my wings. To tie my freedom to someone else, it is time to redeem my soul, to dust off the fears and insecurities. It is time to live in the present moment. To put past back where it belongs and let it be.
The freedom to live as I choose to live is my choice. I released a deep breath. The dusk disappeared in the night. A star twinkled somewhere high in the sky as if the night smiled at me. It is soothing to look at the embalming darkness. I turned to look at the room, and it was silent as if listening to my breath. I went to switch on the lamp, and my phone rang; Rajiv’s name was staring back at me. I pressed ignore and left the phone on the side table.
